What I learned from searching for love

A personal story...

Imagine a place somewhere between the woods and the sea where there is enough space for the Wilderness and the Wildflowers, where there is enough room to feel the sun on your skin, let the wind tangle your hair, let the earth, the sun, and the rain embrace and inspire you, and where there is enough space to wander, sometimes stand still, reflect, and wonder…

Love — what is it, really?

This story begins when I was about ten years old and made a new friend. She lived within walking distance, and I was there almost every day. It felt warm and loving there - different from home. It was a feeling I probably wasn’t even aware of at the time, but one I can now, as an adult, recognise instantly.

There was care for the home. Fresh flowers on the table, the seasons reflected indoors - bulbs in spring, pinecones in autumn. Everything was tidy and clean. There was care for each other, people truly listened. My friend’s father would bake pancakes or make Creole peanut soup. Love… in so many forms.

When I was in high school, I became the regular babysitter for another family. Again, there was attention and understanding for each other, for nature, for the world. Bookshelves full of books and music. A sense of connection, love, and togetherness -things I often missed at home.

Love - and especially the inability to feel it. Around the age of nineteen, I hit a wall with that. I found no understanding, so I put the lid back on the can of worms and just kept going. What did I know…

Of course, that lid didn’t stay on - especially not when I became a mother myself. And maybe deep down, I already knew it had to come off. That I had to empty out that can and deal with it.

Because love - how do you actually do that? I went looking for the answer and turned myself inside out, only to discover that, thankfully, love is everywhere. It’s there in the smallest things, the tiniest gestures - if you’re willing to open yourself to it. And that it’s especially important to love yourself (oh, that’s a tricky one!).

My divorce many years later brought a full reset. It was a heavy, sorrowful time. What helped me was being grateful every day for what was still good, for what was still beautiful, for what was still there. Spending time outdoors, letting myself be in awe. Having compassion for myself, and for the other person (no matter how hard that sometimes was).

After that reset, I was lucky enough to find both myself and love again, and I learned that you always have a choice. Do you keep the lid on the can of worms, or not? Do you forgive, or not? Do you choose yourself, or not? Do you choose love, or not?

Whatever you choose, both paths take time and energy, and one isn’t always easier than the other. Personally, I choose - as much as I can - for love, and from love.

I was born a Wildflower, and I choose to be - and to remain - that Wildflower.

P.S. As a mother and a Wildflower, here are some of the things I consciously choose:

• I choose to surround my children with love and attention. If they need it, I take the time for a real conversation. And I listen.

• I choose to wash their clothes with care, fold them neatly, and put them back in the closet.

• I choose to cook with love and literally nourish my loved ones with it.

• I choose a cosy, tidy-as-possible home that flows with the seasons.

• And sometimes, I simply choose for myself.

Something to think about: where do you conscioulsy choose for as a Wildflower and/or mother?