Trepidation

And the fear to begin something new...

I'm in doubt

Today, I'm in doubt... Or actually, I've been doubting for a while now.

I'm doubting whether I should write and share more personal stories. The stories about the hurdles I've had to overcome during my life's journey so far. And the lessons I've learned along the way.

The doubts have been ghosts in my mind for some time. And I've been facing these ghosts for a while now. I've written, and written even more. I've written, but not yet shared...

However, in this universe full of doubts, everything manifests...

On my path, I stumbled upon the book "Notes to Self" by Emilie Pine, in which Emilie shares personal stories. I recognize myself in her story about her alcoholic father (you could say mine was addicted to work). I recognize myself in her story about her many attempts to get pregnant (we also struggled with that for a while)... And I probably recognize myself in the stories that follow... She just does it, writing and sharing personal stories!

And then there's the word "Trepidation," a feeling of fear about something that might happen...

I’m in doubt because I am afraid...

I am afraid of hurting people, people who play a role in my life story, the people who are still alive and might read my story, the people who might get angry, want to confront me, want to defend themselves.

I am afraid of what will come up, during writing and after. What it will evoke in me or in you, the reader of my story. Is anyone even waiting for the story of my life?

I am afraid of not being taken seriously, afraid of people's judgments, people who were close, who experienced it differently, who might think it wasn't that bad, who think I'm exaggerating.

I am afraid of being pitied, afraid of pity. I don't want that, I don't need that, I'm okay, really!

I am afraid of shame. That my life's hurdles are not "bad" or "big" enough, that I shouldn't complain, that I shouldn't make a fuss, that other people have experienced much worse things. And yes, I can certainly imagine much worse things!

I am afraid of rejection, rejection and disapproval from my loved ones. How dare I air the dirty laundry!

But this is not what I want...

I don't want to hurt people.
I don't want to feel ashamed.
I don't want pity.
I don't want to be afraid of rejection.

I just want to tell my story...

I want to feel free to write and tell my story!

These hurdles have taught me many lessons.
These hurdles have strengthened me.
These hurdles make me human.
These hurdles have brought me to where I am now.

But today, today I'm in doubt...

p.s. this is essay 9 from the up to 24 I want to write this year for the (free) Essay Club initiated by Claire Venus (who I absolutely recommend to follow!).

p.s. if you enjoy being inspired and getting yourself into a writing flow you are so welcome in the Soulcircle of

Beth Kempton

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